Identity

I come with flaws. I come with terrible, self-absorbing habits that are 25 years old and will never give out. In the wrong light (or right, depending on who you talk to), I am cold-hearted, apathetic and have a thick enough skin that you would think I didn’t even have a heart. I have scars. My scars are deep and varied. Some were wounds for years while others turned immediately from wound to scar tissue. They make me who I am. I have influences. Leave your opinions at the door and understand that there are people in this world- living and dead, close to me and strangers- who have made me me- for better or worse. This patchwork of people and experiences sets me apart from even the most kindred of spirits. This is my identity. And I’m beautiful.

I come with connections. Connections to more than flesh and bones. These connections are forever tied and it is a waste of time to try and sever them. To give a comprehensive list of the people who have become such an integral part of who I am would bore just about anyone. But, in light of her visit, I must highlight my grandma lolipop.

She laughs loud and big and smiles through everything. We carry on a conversation the way best friends do after 30 years. She is smart, bakes like none other and she is strong. It’s the similarities that make our connection so special. My parents would tell me I am “just like her”. We have the same smile, the same quirks, same dislikes and the same pleasures. I get it. I see it. But, when Alex sees us together, he just laughs. Yet, somehow, he handles the two of us with stride. Bless him for it.

I don’t get to see grandma lolipop very often anymore. My dad took her to Germany for Thanksgiving this year (something my super British, anti-Germany grandpa probably has a thing or two to say about). I hear their trip was incredible. I’m sure it was- nothing beats the Alps in the fall. When they came back, I was able to spend a few hours with her. We reminisced about the wedding, gossiped about the family, talked about her friends and my grandpa’s health back up in Michigan. We laughed and cracked jokes. She took Alex’s side in making fun of me. It was the best way to spend a Tuesday night.

Our time together has never amounted to much over my childhood- a few visits each year and that’s about it. But, when I look at my grandmother I see a beautiful women with her own flaws, scars and influences. She is only one piece of the patchwork of my life, but she has shaped me in ways that nobody else ever could. I see her strength and commitments to be models for my life. And, of course, I have to thank her for introducing me to the most annoying song in the history of the universe: The Lolipop Song.

“Oh I’d rather suck on a lemon drop than to try my luck with a lollipop,
‘cause I always drop my lollipop, and it gets all over icky.

I’ve tried and tried, but never could find a lollipop that’s halfway refined….”