First things first, the incredible response of well wishes and love over the past few days has changed our world. You showered us with kindness over Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, email, text, and this little blog. I can’t stop smiling. Thank you.
That being said, I guess you probably now know why this blog’s been a bit desolate recently. I’ve been busy growing a baby during busy season at work with typical distractions of the surprising type. Most days, I would stumble in from my 12 hour + workday and just collapse of exhaustion. For a girl who is used to having more than enough energy, those first three months were pretty difficult.
But more on that later.
Before we return to our regularly scheduled program, there are a couple of items deserving of a little bit more observance for a quick minute. Unanswered questions, holes in the story, things I’ve kept to myself. And less important stuff.
When I was a teenager, I planned out a timeline for the rest of my life. Besides college, jobs, and whatnot, I put a few other goals on there, too. Fall in love at 21. I fell in love at 20 years 9 months. Get married at 25. I got married at 25 years 1 month. Have a baby at 28. I’m due September 15th. I turn 28 on September 29th. Looks like I’m beating this one by approximately two weeks. But I really never planned to follow this timeline with such precision.
If you’ve followed this blog for awhile, you probably know that motherhood is all I really care about in this world. You probably also know that I was never really sure this would be an easy process, delivering a baby. So, that’s why we decided to “not stop it from happening” this holiday season. We were convinced we’d be in it for a heartbreakingly long period of time. When I said I was scared in Monday’s blog post, it wasn’t a fear of becoming a mother. It was a fear of losing my babies. And it’s a fear I still, unfortunately, hold close at heart.
On top of the standard hells of the first trimester, I lived in complete fear day in, day out. I wouldn’t allow myself to get excited. When we went in for our 8 week visit, things didn’t get much better. Things could be worse, certainly, but things aren’t going to be easy. I woke each morning convinced I was going to miscarry that day.
I had a huge miscarriage false alarm in late February that almost drove me crazy. A few hours later, when it was clear that everything was going to be just fine, I made a declaration. Come what may, this baby is going to make it. I wasn’t ready to be excited. But I was ready to believe this was real.
I had two big doctor’s appointments last week. Last Wednesday, we had another sonogram. And there was our baby looking just perfect. So, with jelly smothered over my belly and my husband sitting down by my side, I shed layer after layer of fear. I even smiled. And I laughed.
So I bought a diaper bag.
Thinking about how I’d break the news on the blog, I really didn’t know what I’d do. I felt like so many people had these epic TTC stories that built up to these grand announcements. And what I had to tell was so different. Eventually I decided I’d just go ahead and tell our story. Even if it isn’t what we had expected.
There’s a lot of new going on in my life right now. Our family feels brand new. My mindset is brand new. My priorities are brand new. It’s all so very new. And exciting, confusing, strange… so many things.
Tomorrow I fly to California on a business trip where I’ll clock in long hours and little sleep. I’ve left a few posts for you while I’m gone. And it got me thinking about a few promises I’ll make to you now that I’ve got so much newness going on. Here you go.
1. This will not turn into a mom blog. I mean, I’ll be a mom. And this is a blog. But still you’ll find regular content (whatever that even is) here.
2. I’ll be blogging more regularly. After this trip to California, work will slow down and I also caught my 2nd trimester second wind.
3. I’ll continue to be completely, brutally honest with you. I don’t share everything here, and that won’t change, but what I do, well, it’ll be real.